Caravanners
| Driver type: | Older, leather skin, often beardy |
| Mentality: | Vacant |
| Speed: | 70mph - 90mph |
| Vehicle: | Rover 75, Omega |
| I-spy guide: | Oscillating wildly out of control |
"Take a plane to the south of spain? Rent a large apartment and a car? Hell no, let's take the caravan and waste some quality time!"
Once upon a time, caravans were all the rage. You could hitch up that trusty sardine tin and drive a million miles without a problem. Cars weren't capable of pulling anything cuboid-shaped faster than 60mph. Beards were popular. It was safe. Planes were expensive. But 20 years ago most sane people binned the hollow sardine-tin in favour of sanity. This page examines the rare few that opted for insanity.
Receipe for summer-baked caravan disaster
- Take 250ft-lb of uber-torque (can be obtained from just about any good common rail diesel store)
- Connect with a large cube of hollow plastic with the road holding prowess of spam
- Make sure the cube has no cross bracing or strength, remove if it does
- Fill cube with little or no knowledge of how much weight should be applied to the vehicle's tow bar¹
- Fill car with an equal amount of intelligence
- Make sure you leave the tyre pressure, this way the tyres can heat up under load and gently warm your hollow cube for when you arrive in Spain
- Drive at 1.5 times the legal limit²
- Weave uncontrollably through as many lanes of the motorway as possible
- Once you realise you cannot possibly control these oscillations, crash
And don't even get me started on my opinion of caravans and B-roads. You and I don't have the time and your monitor will run out of ink before I'm finished³.
¹ Do NOT refer to the manufacturer's handbook
²Approx 90mph; 60mph is the safe limit
³I'm only intending to offend the offending caravanners on this page, not all of you...
